site/content/posts/feeling-slightly-off/index.md

---
title: "Feeling Slightly Off"
date: 2023-03-18
---

This weekend's the first time in a couple of weeks that I've had a bit of
breathing space. I've started to realize that I've been feeling a bit off. I've
had a busy schedule this semester, lots of people to catch up with, and more
uni work than I expected. Yesterday was the first climax of this, with two
deadlines and a group presentation due. It became so busy I had to cancel a fun
evening solely due to uni work.

These last couple of weeks, I've been going through life chasing my calendar,
making sure I meet deadlines, while constantly remembering that I still have
stuff to do in the evening. Don't get me wrong, I loved every social outing,
but I'm aware that I tend to sacrifice a bit of myself sometimes to keep this
schedule going. It's not the first time I've been stressed about going out, due
to me planning too many things to do. I find myself coming home tired from
studying and classes, taking a quick shower and chugging a Red Bull before
going out again an hour later. I don't like saying no to outings, and I've
always got some FOMO.

My sleep's been suffering, but more importantly, I've caught myself caring less
about my health. When I come home for the weekend, I find myself answering "oh,
I haven't checked it" when my dad asks whether my blood pressure and weight are
still in check, and I haven't gone running in a week. After a while I started
noticing this, and it's given me this slight feeling of dread, and perhaps a
lack of control. I can be a bit paranoid about my health sometimes, and these
habits kept that feeling in check, but now it's bubbling up ever so slightly.

Ever since I've had my appendix removed, I've been out of this rhythm I had
created over the last year. Running was very much a key part of this routine,
something that helped keep everything grounded. I knew that I went running
every two days. It didn't feel like an obligation, but the idea of that rigid
schedule helped me plan everything else. Because I wasn't able to exercise for
a few weeks after the surgery (partially due to me being too paranoid about it
all), I've lost this feeling of consistency, and I've been struggling to find
it back. At this point, my body has fully healed and I'd be perfectly able to
handle this rhythm again, but I just haven't found that same flow.

My food hasn't been too healthy either. I've eaten a lot of junk food, more
than usual. Normally I don't mind this considering I partially compensated for
this by running, but recently that argument hasn't worked, so I'm fearing that
I'll start gaining weight again. On a brighter note, I've started prepping
lunches for the week (partially due to uni restaurants being way too expensive
nowadays), but I want to start pairing this habit with proper evening meals,
instead of junk food 2-3 times a week.

All this has combined into a sense of fear, fear that it might come to bite me
in the ass some day. I felt the need to write these thoughts down, to collect
them properly in my head. On this Saturday, I felt the need to take control of
my schedule again. Luckily I have some breathing room next week as I have no
deadlines due, and I hope to use this time to start getting back into this
rhythm.

As usual, I don't know how to end these posts, they're more of a dump of
thoughts than anything else. I'm well aware this post could come off as
pretentious. I'm basically complaining about having too many things to do while
having shitty time management, and that's fine. After all, I'm collecting *my*
thoughts. Thanks for reading.