diff --git a/content/posts/feeling-slightly-off/index.md b/content/posts/feeling-slightly-off/index.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..68c624c --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/feeling-slightly-off/index.md @@ -0,0 +1,60 @@ +--- +title: "Feeling Slightly Off" +date: 2023-03-18 +--- + +This weekend's the first time in a couple of weeks that I've had a bit of +breathing space. I've started to realize that I've been feeling a bit off. I've +had a busy schedule this semester, lots of people to catch up with, and more +uni work than I expected. Yesterday was the first climax of this, with two +deadlines and a group presentation due. It became so busy I had to cancel a fun +evening solely due to uni work. + +These last couple of weeks, I've been going through life chasing my calendar, +making sure I meet deadlines, while constantly remembering that I still have +stuff to do in the evening. Don't get me wrong, I loved every social outing, +but I'm aware that I tend to sacrifice a bit of myself sometimes to keep this +schedule going. It's not the first time I've been stressed about going out, due +to me planning too many things to do. I find myself coming home tired from +studying and classes, taking a quick shower and chugging a Red Bull before +going out again an hour later. I don't like saying no to outings, and I've +always got some FOMO. + +My sleep's been suffering, but more importantly, I've caught myself caring less +about my health. When I come home for the weekend, I find myself answering "oh, +I haven't checked it" when my dad asks whether my blood pressure and weight are +still in check, and I haven't gone running in a week. After a while I started +noticing this, and it's given me this slight feeling of dread, and perhaps a +lack of control. I can be a bit paranoid about my health sometimes, and these +habits kept that feeling in check, but now it's bubbling up ever so slightly. + +Ever since I've had my appendix removed, I've been out of this rhythm I had +created over the last year. Running was very much a key part of this routine, +something that helped keep everything grounded. I knew that I went running +every two days. It didn't feel like an obligation, but the idea of that rigid +schedule helped me plan everything else. Because I wasn't able to exercise for +a few weeks after the surgery (partially due to me being too paranoid about it +all), I've lost this feeling of consistency, and I've been struggling to find +it back. At this point, my body has fully healed and I'd be perfectly able to +handle this rhythm again, but I just haven't found that same flow. + +My food hasn't been too healthy either. I've eaten a lot of junk food, more +than usual. Normally I don't mind this considering I partially compensated for +this by running, but recently that argument hasn't worked, so I'm fearing that +I'll start gaining weight again. On a brighter note, I've started prepping +lunches for the week (partially due to uni restaurants being way too expensive +nowadays), but I want to start pairing this habit with proper evening meals, +instead of junk food 2-3 times a week. + +All this has combined into a sense of fear, fear that it might come to bite me +in the ass some day. I felt the need to write these thoughts down, to collect +them properly in my head. On this Saturday, I felt the need to take control of +my schedule again. Luckily I have some breathing room next week as I have no +deadlines due, and I hope to use this time to start getting back into this +rhythm. + +As usual, I don't know how to end these posts, they're more of a dump of +thoughts than anything else. I'm well aware this post could come off as +pretentious. I'm basically complaining about having too many things to do while +having shitty time management, and that's fine. After all, I'm collecting *my* +thoughts. Thanks for reading.