61 lines
3.5 KiB
Markdown
61 lines
3.5 KiB
Markdown
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title: "Feeling Slightly Off"
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date: 2023-03-18
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---
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This weekend's the first time in a couple of weeks that I've had a bit of
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breathing space. I've started to realize that I've been feeling a bit off. I've
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had a busy schedule this semester, lots of people to catch up with, and more
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uni work than I expected. Yesterday was the first climax of this, with two
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deadlines and a group presentation due. It became so busy I had to cancel a fun
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evening solely due to uni work.
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These last couple of weeks, I've been going through life chasing my calendar,
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making sure I meet deadlines, while constantly remembering that I still have
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stuff to do in the evening. Don't get me wrong, I loved every social outing,
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but I'm aware that I tend to sacrifice a bit of myself sometimes to keep this
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schedule going. It's not the first time I've been stressed about going out, due
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to me planning too many things to do. I find myself coming home tired from
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studying and classes, taking a quick shower and chugging a Red Bull before
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going out again an hour later. I don't like saying no to outings, and I've
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always got some FOMO.
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My sleep's been suffering, but more importantly, I've caught myself caring less
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about my health. When I come home for the weekend, I find myself answering "oh,
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I haven't checked it" when my dad asks whether my blood pressure and weight are
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still in check, and I haven't gone running in a week. After a while I started
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noticing this, and it's given me this slight feeling of dread, and perhaps a
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lack of control. I can be a bit paranoid about my health sometimes, and these
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habits kept that feeling in check, but now it's bubbling up ever so slightly.
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Ever since I've had my appendix removed, I've been out of this rhythm I had
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created over the last year. Running was very much a key part of this routine,
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something that helped keep everything grounded. I knew that I went running
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every two days. It didn't feel like an obligation, but the idea of that rigid
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schedule helped me plan everything else. Because I wasn't able to exercise for
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a few weeks after the surgery (partially due to me being too paranoid about it
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all), I've lost this feeling of consistency, and I've been struggling to find
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it back. At this point, my body has fully healed and I'd be perfectly able to
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handle this rhythm again, but I just haven't found that same flow.
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My food hasn't been too healthy either. I've eaten a lot of junk food, more
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than usual. Normally I don't mind this considering I partially compensated for
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this by running, but recently that argument hasn't worked, so I'm fearing that
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I'll start gaining weight again. On a brighter note, I've started prepping
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lunches for the week (partially due to uni restaurants being way too expensive
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nowadays), but I want to start pairing this habit with proper evening meals,
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instead of junk food 2-3 times a week.
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All this has combined into a sense of fear, fear that it might come to bite me
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in the ass some day. I felt the need to write these thoughts down, to collect
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them properly in my head. On this Saturday, I felt the need to take control of
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my schedule again. Luckily I have some breathing room next week as I have no
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deadlines due, and I hope to use this time to start getting back into this
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rhythm.
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As usual, I don't know how to end these posts, they're more of a dump of
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thoughts than anything else. I'm well aware this post could come off as
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pretentious. I'm basically complaining about having too many things to do while
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having shitty time management, and that's fine. After all, I'm collecting *my*
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thoughts. Thanks for reading.
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