2021-08-14 18:55:37 +02:00
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title: "I Honestly Feel Like Shit"
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date: "2021-08-14"
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---
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Well this blog's been dead for a while, cuz I honestly haven't had time to work
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on it all. I've been way too busy with college (and failing it) + I've been
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going through some rough times mentally (break-ups are never fun).
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Ever since I started college, I've been really passionate about computers,
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software, hardware & everything in between, but nowadays, I'm honestly just
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kinda empty inside; I've got no energy left to be passionate about my projects.
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I've got so many ideas, but I just burn out the moment I start them. I'm
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constantly trying to work on my college projects, and right now I'm studying
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for my second-chance exams, because I royally fucked up this year. I'm only in
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my second year of my bachelor's degree, yet it already feels like I'm trying to
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do some impossible task. I honestly don't know if I'm even fit to finish this
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degree. I just cave under the insane pressure & stress that I'm feeling right
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now. I don't want to disappoint my parents and sister because I know they do
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truly believe in me, but it's really hard to find motivation for anything if
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you don't believe in yourself.
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So now I'm just sitting here writing some random blog post to post on a blog
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that nobody follows (not that I'm really trying to make it appealing right
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now). I'm tired all the time because I can't sleep, which makes studying even
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less productive resulting in more negative thoughts; the loop just goes on and
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on and on. I'm just terrified that I'm not gonna be able to finish my degree,
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and I'd honestly just hate myself if that happened.
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I tried civil engineering before switching to computer science, but that was a
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full-on trainwreck. I just came out of a rather bumpy relationship, so I wasn't
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in the best state of mind to begin with. I just resorted to drinking 'till I
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nearly passed out multiple times a week cuz I wanted to "forget" (a classic).
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At one point, it even got so bad my family begged me to see a therapist, which
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I did shortly after. It took a few months, but that did really help me & by the
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end of that academic year, I was feeling much better. After failing literally
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all my engineering exams, I (with some much-needed pushes from my sister)
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decided to switch to computer science. I aced the first semester, which did
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give me a big confidence boost. I felt good for a semester, and I met my lovely
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new girlfriend. Second semester comes around, and it didn't go quite as well
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but it was still much better than the year before. At the end of the year, I
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passed 9 out of 10 courses so I was feeling pretty good then. The second year
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however went *a lot* worse. The work pressure was huge, basically every course
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required us to make at least one big project. I honestly couldn't take it, so
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by the end of that semester I failed 4 out of 5 courses. Second semester went
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just about as bad, failing 3 out of the 6 courses I took (even the one from the
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previous year). Right after the exams, I also broke up with my girlfriend. So
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now I'm here, the second-chance exams (I honestly have no idea what these are
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called in English) are just a few days away, and I'm mentally & emotionally
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drained. I just need some rest. Usually people have some vacation after the
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exams, but because I have so many that I have to redo I started studying in the
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middle of July, giving me barely 3 weeks of actual rest instead of the expected
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3 months. And of course, during these 3 weeks, all I did was stress about my
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exams and think about my break-up; truly a perfect resting period.
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2021-08-14 18:59:10 +02:00
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I know this sounds like complaining (I mean, it is), but I needed a place to
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dump my thoughts. It's a little peek into my mind & the annoying shit that's
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dominating my thoughts nowadays.
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If you've gotten this far, thank you for reading.
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