Stress

content/posts/stress.md

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+---
+title: "I Honestly Feel Like Shit"
+date: "2021-08-14"
+---
+
+Well this blog's been dead for a while, cuz I honestly haven't had time to work
+on it all. I've been way too busy with college (and failing it) + I've been
+going through some rough times mentally (break-ups are never fun).
+
+Ever since I started college, I've been really passionate about computers,
+software, hardware & everything in between, but nowadays, I'm honestly just
+kinda empty inside; I've got no energy left to be passionate about my projects.
+I've got so many ideas, but I just burn out the moment I start them. I'm
+constantly trying to work on my college projects, and right now I'm studying
+for my second-chance exams, because I royally fucked up this year. I'm only in
+my second year of my bachelor's degree, yet it already feels like I'm trying to
+do some impossible task. I honestly don't know if I'm even fit to finish this
+degree. I just cave under the insane pressure & stress that I'm feeling right
+now. I don't want to disappoint my parents and sister because I know they do
+truly believe in me, but it's really hard to find motivation for anything if
+you don't believe in yourself.
+
+So now I'm just sitting here writing some random blog post to post on a blog
+that nobody follows (not that I'm really trying to make it appealing right
+now). I'm tired all the time because I can't sleep, which makes studying even
+less productive resulting in more negative thoughts; the loop just goes on and
+on and on. I'm just terrified that I'm not gonna be able to finish my degree,
+and I'd honestly just hate myself if that happened.
+
+I tried civil engineering before switching to computer science, but that was a
+full-on trainwreck. I just came out of a rather bumpy relationship, so I wasn't
+in the best state of mind to begin with. I just resorted to drinking 'till I
+nearly passed out multiple times a week cuz I wanted to "forget" (a classic).
+At one point, it even got so bad my family begged me to see a therapist, which
+I did shortly after. It took a few months, but that did really help me & by the
+end of that academic year, I was feeling much better. After failing literally
+all my engineering exams, I (with some much-needed pushes from my sister)
+decided to switch to computer science. I aced the first semester, which did
+give me a big confidence boost. I felt good for a semester, and I met my lovely
+new girlfriend. Second semester comes around, and it didn't go quite as well
+but it was still much better than the year before. At the end of the year, I
+passed 9 out of 10 courses so I was feeling pretty good then. The second year
+however went *a lot* worse. The work pressure was huge, basically every course
+required us to make at least one big project. I honestly couldn't take it, so
+by the end of that semester I failed 4 out of 5 courses. Second semester went
+just about as bad, failing 3 out of the 6 courses I took (even the one from the
+previous year). Right after the exams, I also broke up with my girlfriend. So
+now I'm here, the second-chance exams (I honestly have no idea what these are
+called in English) are just a few days away, and I'm mentally & emotionally
+drained. I just need some rest. Usually people have some vacation after the
+exams, but because I have so many that I have to redo I started studying in the
+middle of July, giving me barely 3 weeks of actual rest instead of the expected
+3 months. And of course, during these 3 weeks, all I did was stress about my
+exams and think about my break-up; truly a perfect resting period.
+
+Some people might think this is just me complaining (I'm inclined to agree),
+but I just needed a place to post this & clear my thoughts. For anyone reading
+this, sorry you had to read that badly-written rant, but it's a little peek
+into my state of mind right now.